(OK Grandpa, let's tell them a little story about what happened this Christmas)
Christmas eve
I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things
Heavy breathing from the chimney
Who could it be?

In the morn
I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpse
With a long white beard was dangling over the fire

(Chorus)
Santa he's a big fat f*uck
Crawled down the chimney got his fat ass stuck
Honey call the lawyers fast
‘Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass

(OK Grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell ‘em what you saw)
Gotta tell you folks
He wasn't wearing no clothes
He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil from his head down to his toes
I was talking to the cops outside
The dogs were lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double wide
What a sad sad way to die

(Chorus)