The Soloists:
Whether you are pro or anti,
Or could not care less,
We are here to tell you
We are here to sell you chess.
Not a chance of you escaping
From our wiles,
We've locked the doors,
We've blocked the aisles,
We've a franchise worth exploiting
And we will, yes we will!
When it comes to merchandising
We could kill.

Female Soloists:
When you get up--

Male Soloists:
When you get up in the morning--

Soloists:
Till your bedtime book,
You will have to live your life
With bishop, knight, and rook.

Male Soloists:
Clean your teeth with
Checkered toothpaste,
Wear our vests.

Female Soloists:
Our kings, and queens
On bouncing breasts.

Soloists:
You could even buy a set,
And learn to play.
We don't mind,
We'll sell you something
Anyway.

We've done all
Our market research,
And our finding show
That this game of chess
Will be around a month or so.
Maybe it's a bit confusing
For a game,
But Rubik's cubes
Were much the same.

In the end
The whole world bought one--
All were gone,
By which time
We merchandisers
Had moved on!

By which time
We merchandisers
Had moved on!