Old Saint Nick's got Bourbon breath
It's so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth

It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

Everything's so Criss-muss-ee
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on Santa's knee
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night
To dream what Santa brings 'em
Unless they're Jewish or Muslim
Or some other gyp religion

Crappy toys flyin' off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in Hell
It's a merry fuckin' Christmas

Cracklin' fires to keep me warm
And my collection of Asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It's a keep-on-truckin'
Last-year-suckin'
Midget-chuckin'
Slap-the-puckin'
How-much-wood-could-a-woodchuck-chuckin'
Merrrry fuuuuckin' Christmaaaaaas