Oh it's so hard to be a parent these days
Sex, booze, and drugs and holy Christ, is my kid gay?
I'm not a parent yet, but may I suggest
That every mom and dad please hear
my humble request:

Lock up your goddamned guns,
I don't wanna get blown away by your sons.
If spending time with your kid is so hard, then
Bury the frigging firearms in the back yard.
Lock up your goddamn guns,
I don't wanna get splattered into chunks by your sons.

Now one of you's a partner and the other's a VP
You've got your sheetrock mansion in
a planned community.. Congratulations!
Hey! This could be your act of charity to humankind:
To keep the Smith & Wesson in a place
young Chip won't find...

Lock up your goddamned guns,
I don't wanna get blown away by your sons.
If you keep that shit well hid
I won't get torn a new asshole by your latchkey kid.
Better yet, get rid of them all
That way my brains won't be sprayed on the wall.

Every day this planet becomes a scarier place
Extremist violence is a worldwide disgrace
There's got to be a way to stop this terrorist abuse
I know! Let's have a war and put
our young killers to use:

Parents, pack up your guns,
Drop them off at the Army along with your sons.
If we ship them overseas,
I won't have to deal with bullets lodged in my kidneys.

So gather up all your guns
It's a happy ending for even your sons!