I'm naked at an award ceremony
I'm hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he's eating canapes
I've got a laser pen
And I'm shining it on Salmon Rushdie's forehead - like that
Missing Brian May's hair by a fraction
Yeah I'm naked
But nobody seems to mind
Record company execs tuck into their meat and two veg
I wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestry
The theme tune to Howard's Way plays gleefully in the background
And everybody taps their feet
Meatloaf wets himself and he's gotta leave
So I might have to fill his place in the show
And I duet with a chauffeur who's driving Whitney Houston
or somebody like that
And we sing 'Abide With Me' at the top of our voices
To my surprise I get an erection
Not a full on erection like Jeff Striker
But a timid Aled Jones sort of affair
Anyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stage
Through the medium of dance I explain what Shirley
Bassey's back garden looks like
Brings the house down
Everyone gets cold and leaves