The count has an eye on his ankle
and lives in a horrible place
He wants all your money
He's never at all funny
He wants to remove your face
And you might be thinking, What a romp this is!
but wait till you meet his accomplices

When you see Count Olaf you're suddenly full of
disgust and despare and dismay
In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf there's no love

Chorus:
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero;
then, scream and run away
Scream, scream, scream and run away
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
or die, die, die, die, die, die die, die, die, die, die

Two women with powdered white faces
and one long-nosed balled man with warts
Things worsen and worsen
There's a hook-handed person
and others with nastier parts
This evil and unpleasant group
completes Count Olaf's acting troupe

The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of
the fortunes of urchins and orphans, hooray!
I mean, horrors! Count Olaf is no laughing matter

Chorus