I'm five years old and I'm full of lust
I'm five years old and I'm full of lust
I'm five years old and I'm full of lust
'Cause the Bob Newhart show is on TV!

I'm five years old and I don't understand
What makes me love you, little man?
Is it the bags below your eyes?
Your sunken butt, your bony thighs?
Your awesome lack of confidence,
You're sexy but it makes no sense
I'd carve my love for you in gold
But shit I'm only five years old.

I'm five years old and I'm lying in bed
But thoughts of you run through my head
I must get up, it's not allowed,
But dammit, I must have you now
So I sneak down past the living room,
Past Mom & Dad in their Michelob doom
Turn on the tube, glowing bright,
How can something so wrong feel so right?

There you are Bob, on TV
My hunka hunka burnin' love MD
I can't help but feel a little jealousy
Of your erudite, gorgeous wife, Emily
Oh why can't I have you?
I could make you happy
I'm small, but I ain't no slouch
But you see, I'm only five, and I don't know
what to do
So I end up humping the couch.